INFOTAINMENT RUNDOWN! So Kate "Goldie Hawn's Daughter" Hudson is pregnant, and the seed-father is lanky Black Crowes frontman Chris Robinson? Plus, the delivery will take place at a New Age birthing facility (ie, cult compound), where the mother will be submerged underwater while soothing music and wafting wisps of burning aromatherapy oils fill the air around them? Hmmm… something tells yer old pal Jerky this kid is gonna be born with an intuitive ability to roll a joint single-handed. Bongwater will be his tittymilk. His first words are gonna be: "Pass that shit over here, bro!" And they shall name him "Moonglow." After fifteen years, Gordon Jump will be handing over the reins of the Maytag Repairman role to some dude named Hardy Rawls at the end of this summer. The guy who had the role before Jump was Jesse White, who played "Old Lonely" (as they call him in the promotional materials) from 1967 until 1988, when he died. Kinda makes you wonder what Mister Carlson did to get himself fired… It's been a long time coming, but yer old pal Jerky is pleased to announce that his long-time girlfriend and business-partner Salma Hayek has finally gotten over her "thing" with that vile seducer of other men's women, Edward "No Longer Schtupping Salma Hayek" Norton. Hopefully, that means she'll be moving back into Chateau Leboeuf with yer old pal Jerky in the near future. And I mean the VERY near future, as in: "Hey, Salma! If you're reading this, the champagne is chilling and the chimichangas are in the oven, my darling! Hurry home!" So there's this horror flick coming out called Moonlight Drive, starring hot young up-and-comers Chris Sarandon and Joanna Gleason. It's about a gaggle of teenagers who get into a booze-induced car accident on Christmas Eve, bury their victim's body to get rid of the evidence, only to be picked off one by one by a vengeance-seeking psycho-killer! Gee, that sounds real original, guys. Why don't you just face facts, embrace your rip-off ways and call it I Know What You Did Last Winter?! So the Last Comic Standing is... Dat Phan?! Sweet fucking Christ. That kid's about as funny as an anthrax boil on the tip of your cock. Yer old pal Jerky has a feeling audience demographics (coff, coff) played perhaps too large a part in the final outcome, but... ah, who gives a fuck, anyway. It's just another fucking TV show. And a "reality" show, at that. It's flushed and gone already. But... DAT PHAN?!?! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! August 5 Goodbye Norma Jean. The once and future Marilyn Monroe blows out her own candle with a fistfull of barbituates on this day in 1962, thus selflessly sparing us, the public, from having to witness a long, sad decline into former sexpot decrepitude. And if you think that wouldn't really have been so bad, I ask you... have you seen Bridgette Bardot lately?! MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!! On this day in 1570, a group of Spanish Jesuits led by Fray Batista Segura arrives in the Chesapeake Bay area of Virginia in order to convert the native "savages" there to Christianity. Unfortunately, six months later, the entire group was slaughtered by the very Indians they had come to evangelize. THAT'll learn 'em! August 6 At 8:15 A.M., on this day in the year 1945, with a blinding flash and a deafening roar, a single bomb turned the thriving city of Hiroshima into a twisted, smouldering, radioactive chiaroscuro of death. Nearly all people and buildings within a two-kilometer radius of the drop point were killed or destroyed. An incredible one hundred and forty thousand people were killed by a single bomb... nearly half the city's population. It still stands as the most signifigant historical turning point in the story of our species. On this day in 2001, after only seven months in office, Preznit Dubya begins a month-long vacation at the Crawford "ranch" he purchased as a photo-op backdrop in 1999. He wouldn't sleep in the White House again until the terrorist attacks he was warned about again and again and again were safely out of the way.

THEY SAID IT! "I can tell you this categorically, we've got the weakest president and weakest government in the history of my 50 years of public service. Karl Rove tells him to do this or do that or whatever it is, but he's out campaigning. ... And at the national level, we've got Enron accounting galore. The President said two weeks ago on page one of his budget report that we have a $455 billion deficit at the end of next month; that's when the end of the fiscal year terminates. The truth of the matter is, you turn to page 57 of the report and you'll see it's $698 billion. ... I had to make a talk on trade last week, and I looked it up and found out that at the end of World War II we had 40 percent of our workforce in manufacturing. And now we're down to 10 percent. We've got 10 percent of the country working and producing, and we've got the other 90 percent talking and eating. That's all they're doing." - Retiring Senator Fritz Hollings (SC-D) is anything but as he tears the ass out of this press conference. *** *** *** "It's almost like Armageddon, equivalent to something realy big hitting the planet. They are staggering numbers. We have to scale up the disease control in a major, major way. Losing this battle is not an option." - During an international anti-tobacco conference in Helsinki this week, United Nations Health Cheif Lee Jong-wook takes a little time out to remind everyone that Africa is dying.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal the Smiling Ninja. Two women decided to go out one evening, without their husbands. Laughing the entire evening away and finding that they had consumed entirely too much wine, they decided it was time to head home. They were about halfway home when both ladies decided that they needed to find a bathroom quick. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. A little bit scared and tipsy, they decided they'd just have to stop there, as they couldn't wait any longer. Stumbling off the road into the cemetery they soon discovered they had no toilet paper or kleenex but the trip being an urgent one, they decided to 'just make do'! The first one decided to use her panties and then discard them. The second one had on new panties and not wanting to leave them behind grabbed a big ribbon from a floral wreath on the grave stone next to her. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one of them said to the other: "You know, we'll have to keep a closer watch on our wives. It seems that those two were up to no good last night. My wife came home in the wee hours without her panties!" The other one responded: "Well, you're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read: We will never forget you... The Carboni Brothers." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal LL for sending in today's second joke. In a trial in a small SC town, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God. She says I do. The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well." The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few moments. Then, he slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, big-mouthed and has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered throughout the court room and the audience was on the verge of chaos. At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be thrown in jail for contempt. Is that clear?" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's shitty joke was sent in by Andres Raid. A gangster was driving his Mercedes and stopped by acop who asked for a driving licence. The ganster was using his hands to find the glove compartment as if he was blind. Finally he managed to find the licence and the cop saw a sign on the license which said that the gangster had to have spectacles +6. Why don´t you wear spectacles as you are told to? Fuck you, my whole windshield is +6!!!!!!!!

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Who the hell are you, and what have you done with the real Jerky???? Over the past couple of weeks, I've noticed a lot of changes in the e-mails that I recieve. Either you're not the real Jerky that we've all been following, or you're the real Jerky on more/less drugs! Either way, this rag has been pretty shitty lately: From the political shit, all the way to the soapbox. The joke section is the big giveaway. The best ones according to you, don't even match up with Jerky's sense of humor, not to mention his intelligence. So, unless you've already killed Jerky, please let him come back to me and the rest of his loyal followers. PLEASE!!!!! Oh, yeah: If you work for the government, please disregard this message! Signed: Mike What's this? Could it be that the person who is sitting here typing this missive is not really yer old pal Jerky?! Hold on, I have a sonar transmitter and a cranial bone-saw right here under my desk. I should be able to figure this out in a few minutes. (sounds of bone being sawed, shrieks of agony, and a submarine ping) Phew... Nope! It's me! The echo signature from the yawning void in my soul is as distinctive an identification-confirmer as the complex interlacing patterns on my scrotum-print.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: REBUTTAL TO MR. CA! Care of: Not a Believer Dear Jerkmeister: Tell the crybaby farmer to stuff it! I worked in the agricultural field directly with family farmers for five years in a cropdusting business. The farmers there also complained they didnt make a cent they were just breaking even. Well I love our farmers and they dont make a lot of cash but this is how they do it: they borrow 500,000 to plant their crops, they have government insurance on said crop if it fails, they buy themselves a new SUV or pickup every year, they build a house to live out of those loans, they pay all their living expenses out of those loans and then thier crop always pays off the loan. Nine times out of ten they are falt broke after the season but then they dont owe anything eihter, and they have a new house and new vehicles etc etc. And if their crop fails for some reason then the insurance pays it off and they still have all thier expenses paid off. What do the rest of us get? About the same thing in the long run, right Jerky? Then tell the idiots to stop complaining and keep up the good work! Sincerely, i dont believe ya farmer john!!! [Plus, they get to legally commit heinous acts of animal cruelty! How cool is THAT?! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com