ANOTHER FILLER DIRT?! POLITICAL FILLER Yer old pal Jerky can't vouch for every single claim made in this video, but it's worth watching, and the first bit about the federal government planning fake terrorist operations to create an excuse for attacking Cuba -- Operation Northwoods -- is absolutely, 100% true. Anyway, you should watch it from beginning to end. FEMA workers taking $10,000 bribes in exchange for letting a contractor submit inflated reports on the number of meals served at a Hurricane Katrina relief base camp?! NOYCE!!! No wonder all those civilian sub-contractors haven't been able to locate those 3,200 missing people (hundreds of them under 12 years old); they're too busy sniffing out ways to profit from catastrophe. And they've been doing a helluva job at it, too. Does political manipulation get any more obvious than Preznit Dubya's promotion of Noel L. Hillman to a federal judgeship, just as the prosecutor was really getting somewhere with his investigation of disgraced Republican super-lobbyist Jack Abramoff? Newly leaked documents show that British PM Tony Blair is less of a tragic figure -- dragged into one of history's greatest failures by a reckless and lawless Preznit Dubya -- than a willing co-conspirator in the neoconservative plot to dupe United Nations about Iraq's WMD capabilities. Last week, Italian PM Silvio "Il Douche" Berlusconi took a page from the "superstitious jock" playbook when he declared that he would abstain from fucking his wife until upcoming elections are over and done with. "I promise you two and a half months of complete sexual abstinence until April 9", Berlusconi told the party faithful at a recent leadership meeting, prompting some in attendance to ask: "Who the fuck are you talking to?!" *** **** *** NON-POLITICAL FILLER Audience participation at Mexican bull-fights usually involves inebriated spectators tumbling into the ring where they promptly get stomped and gored, but Pajarito the Bull recently turned the concept on its head. The half-ton beast shocked and amazed onlookers by leaping into the stands and going on a good old-fashioned caught-on-camera rampage. Fair warning: this story doesn't have a Hollywood ending. This Sleepless in Seattle trailer remix is almost as good as the Shining trailer remix. Almost. Dostoyevsky was wrong. Hell isn't other people... hell is other people's arts and crafts. It's been a while since a disgruntled postal worker actually went postal and killed some co-workers. This latest incident, which leaves seven dead and one critically wounded, has done much to re-inforce yer old pal Jerky's faith in the psychopathology of federal employees. Are you gay? Do you enjoy the convenience of condominium living? Do you mind the cold? If you answered YES to the first two questions, and NO to the third, then you owe it to yourself to check out this new homosexual real estate development in Toronto, Canada! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY January 27 On this day in 1964, Senator Margaret Chase Smith (R-Me) decides to make a run for the Republican Party's presidential nomination. Gales of derisive laughter ensue. On this day in 1967, astronauts Grissom, White and Chaffee are burned to death in a fire during a test aboard the Apollo 1 capsule. On that same day, the United States government signs a treaty that bans the military use of nuclear weapons in space. From then on, they could only be used for recreational purposes. On this day in 1984, freak-of-the-century Michael Jackson's scalp is severely burned during the filming of a Pepsi commercial. HA-ha!!! On this day in 1998, First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton appears on NBC's Today Show alleging the existance of "a vast right-wing conspiracy" against her husband, President Bill Clinton. She was 100% correct. January 28 On this day in 1935, the aptly named nation of Iceland becomes the first country to legalize abortion. Since then, their population has become increasingly healthy, literate and productive. Gosh, imagine how great they'll be doing once they start killing pre-schoolers! On this day in 1981, President Ronald Reagan appoints William "Wild Bill" Casey as the 13th director of the CIA. He serves until 1987, when he dies of a brain tumor just two days before he was scheduled to testify before the Senate in regards to the Iran/Contra affair. Phew! That was close! On this day in 1986, after a major malfunction with a 30-cent O-ring, the Space Shuttle Challenger explodes, killing all seven astronauts onboard. Oopsie! January 29 On this day in 1814, the French army defeats the combined forces of Prussia and Russia at the Battle of Brienne. Who knew they had it in 'em?! On this day in 2002, Preznit Dubya refers to Iran, Iraq and North Korea as an Axis of Evil. And we all lived happily ever after. On this day in 2004, a 56-foot long Sperm whale left to ferment in the sun explodes in the town of Tainan, Taiwan, showering three square blocks with hot greasy chunks of funkulent chum propelled by the rupture of a vast, festering pocket of methane that had been building up in the cetacean's rancid cadaver for days. Once again, yer old pal Jerky is reminded of a humiliating episode from his romantic past. Suffice it to say that Taco Bell's "six-for-one" expired Gordito deal and deeply penetrative analingus don't go together like a horse and carriage. Happy Chinese New Year! Today is the beginning of the Year of the Dog, which happens to be yer old pal Jerky's Chinese Zodiac sign. You know what this means, don't you? It means that, for the first time since 1994, I have to spend my birthday hunting down, killing and eating a medium-sized neighborhood dog. The same goes for any of you reading this who were born in the years 1922, 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, or 1982.

THEY SAID IT! "They're actually educating these potential killers even more. Sometimes I believe it may even encourage them when they see how simple it is to get away with on television." - Ray Peavy, head of the homicide division of the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department, discussing the CSI effect. *** **** *** "The single most important lesson of the 60's is that LSD was a scam promoted by the CIA and that the people of Haight-Ashbury, who were idols of people across the world as examples of revolution and outrge and progress, were mere dupes of the CIA." - Frank Zappa (1940-1993), drugs abstainer and accute para-political observer.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Ginette! A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened. "Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons." "Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair." "I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Mister Envious for sending in today's second joke. A young man in the military was stationed in Germany. One day, on a weekend pass he went to a bazaar and found an old woman selling quilts. The young man approached her booth and picked up a quilt. He then turned to the woman and asked "How much?" The woman replied, "$25 dollars American, but I must warn you, the quilt was made by a gypsy and has magic woven into it." Paying the woman no mind, he paid for the quilt, and returned to base. That night he slept under the quilt and dreamt that he was extremely wealthy. The next morning mail call had a surprise letter for him. His wife had played the lottery and won $6 million dollars. The next night he slept under the quilt and dreamt that he had sex with a beautiful woman that he had seen on the base. The next day, the base doctor (the woman in question) brings him to her office and has sex with him on the exam table. Excitedly, the next night, the man hurried to bed and dreamt that his penis reached his ankles. To his horror, he awoke to find his legs had shrunk to four inches long. WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Nasir. On the last day of her English class, Marilyn, a professor, was reviewing the final exam. "The exam will test your comprehension. It'll be divided into two parts: a multiple choice exam, and an oral exam." she explained to her students. After the class, one of her male students, a real hunk, realizing that he needs to do well on the final exam or he won't graduate, approached Marilyn in her office. "Professor," he says in a sexy husky voice, "I don't think I'm going to pass the class and I was hoping there was some way you could maybe help me out." Well one thing led to another and it wasn't long before they were making love, humping away on the office desk. Afterward, the lad asks "How's my comprehension?" "So far so good," Marilyn says, "but you need to come back tomorrow at noon." "Why tomorrow?", our enlightened stud asks. "Tomorrow," my cousin, the professor says "you're required to perform the oral part of the exam."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: 25 SIGNS YOU'VE GROWN UP care of: Henry Bent 1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry & divorce instead of hook up and break up. 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM. 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again." 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you. - Henry Bent [Only 5 apply to me. Guess I haven't grown up yet. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Hey Jerky... I was reading Warren Ellis's comment on the newly minted Canadian leader... I live up here in the provinces... and have this guy in my face in the media on a daily basis. I have yet to see anyone ever that looks and acts so much like Data, the robot (cyborg?) off of Star Trek TNG. Do ya think maybe he could be a robotic CIA plant controlled by Washington and the New World Order??? I'll keep you posted as my arguement developes. Ever vigilant, Exshaw2 [Check out what I did JUST FOR YOU and all the Crazy Canucks who still read the Dirt: - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky!! Instead of showering you with my usual much-deserved accolades, this time I have a real question. I'm hearing so much fuckin' shit lately about voting in Florida. I've been hearing it all along, of course, but it's getting really loud. It makes me wonder if I should vote at all. On one hand, if I vote, it won't matter. On the other hand, if I don't then I can't complain. In your esteemed, intelligent opinion, what would you do, Jerky? WWJ(erky)D? Peace & love, Sindy [You have to go vote, even if it's only to see for yourself. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky my man, I think I'm in love with yer uglitron... do I have a problem? Would you mind changing her for something that really IS ugly? Tah mate. Pasquale from Oz [Here you go. - Jerky] *** **** *** Heya Jerky, Dude, I dunno, but reading this stuff makes me think of Scientology! Don't ask me why, but it kinda gives me the creeps. I mean, isn't it just a bit nit-picky? Vicky D [Picky? Maybe. But that's the level of pickiness required to create delicious, tasty kishkes! - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; Read these five comments. Now, any comment from you? David A [Yeah. Buy a gun. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; That ID sniper gun is a joke, right? Dammit, tell me this is a only a joke! Jon S [Who knows? I guess it could be disinformation. I haven't researched it enough to know for sure. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; The sky may fall! Even Utah big shots don't think Dubya tells the truth. Takes them 3 years to figger out what the rest of us knew in 3 mins. RASTY [At this point, it's academic. In this case, literally. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; Once and for all, are Preznit Bush and his partners in crime bona fide Nazis or just run of the mill criminals and theives? Or maybe they really are what they say they are, compassionate conservatives? V. Carlotta [I don't know if they're literal Nazis. Maybe they're just Nazos. They're Nazo compassionate, Nazo conservative, and definitely Nazo smart. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com